Phil, My Disabled Buddy

So I have this friend Phil who used to shoot coke before I knew him. (I never did that stuff). He ended up getting some nasty infection in his back and had to use a wheelchair ever since. It's pretty bad, but Phil is a hilarious guy. I met him cause a lot of times he was the only other person in the bar I like to go to when my old lady's driving me crazy. I'd go in about six or so after dinner and me and him often as not would just trade stories until maybe nine. Then I'd be good and cooled off so I could go home. I tried a pile of times to have Phil let me give him a ride home, but, damn, he don't take handouts unless it's a friendly round. Like once I tried to get Phil a job in the office at he place I work, but he's a proud guy and he don't care to push paper just cause he can't walk. So anyway, when I left the bar he'd stay and maybe shut her down. I'd go home and plan my tactics according to my mood.

So one day I was having a hell of a row with my woman over buying a new TV, which she said we couldn't afford, but which I tried to explain was a good deal cause our TV was like ten years old and would go out pretty soon and this one was a steal. I finally said I'd take it back, but I lost the damn receipt and bought it with cash. She started slapping me then, so I told her I'd be back in a few days, and I went to that same bar. Phil could tell right away I was at my wit's end. I explained everything and he straight up told me I could stay with him. I called my boss at home and told him I was having the flu. I'm pretty good at faking sick, too. I'm always like, "Hey I could try to come in but I'm coughing up this green junk and my chest hurts from puking." So I got a few days off, and me and Phil decided to have a sort of vacation.

Phil's apartment was on the fifteenth floor of this tall building in a big complex. The place was government so it was cheap, and Phil had a big couch for me to sleep on. He had this huge porno collection we watched a bunch of, and I immediately bought a couple of cases. We blew off a lot of steam and just sort of hung out.

At one point Phil tells me about how people are always acting weird around him cause he uses a wheelchair, how it used to bother him, and how he figured out how to get some use out of it. He told me how if he moaned at someone in the store who was standing in front of them, they would just about fall over themselves to get out of his way. Once some rich lady accidentally sat her purse in his grocery basket at the Safeway, and he just rolled off with it. She kept following at first, but he would just roll along ahead of her and she never said a thing. I told him I thought that was like stealing, but he told me there wasn't any money in it and he gave it to the clerk at the checkout.

In the morning I decided I'd go down to the gas station and get a donut cause Phil didn't have any decent food really. Phil said he'd go with me. We got to the elevator and he told me to just watch him. When the elevator showed up, he rolled in and like four other people were in the elevator already. He says, "Push fourteen." One of them does and the elevator goes down and stops on fourteen. And Phil just sits there. This guy's like, "This is your floor, right?" And Phil just sits there. I see these other two looking pissed and kind of looking at each other like they want to say something. So the elevator closes and goes down to stop on twelve. Some guy gets on, pushes G, and Phil says, "Push ten." So he does. I can see that first guy looking kind of goofy, and those two others kind of grunting. Sure enough Phil just sits there when the doors open. That first guy says, "Where are you trying to go?" And Phil says, "To the second floor." And the last guy to get on presses two. We stop again on six and this lady gets on, and Phil says, "Push four." And she does. so we stopped on four and then on two and finally we all got out on G, which was one. When we got outside and down the street a little, Phil starts laughing his ass off. He's like, "Goddamn if nobody won't say shit to a guy in a wheelchair." Turns out Phil does that crap like once a week. I thought about how those first few were so pissed, and I laughed my ass off too.

The next day, I was talking about the TV with Phil, and he says, "Man, you could use my chair and raise hell about how you're confused sometimes on account of you injured your brain when you injured your back and you sometimes don't know no better about what you're doing."

I was like, "But you can't return it without a receipt."

"What the hell?" he says. "Ask them if they think a guy in a wheelchair stole the damn thing. Tell them you don't even got the brains to put the wires where they go. Then if they won't help you just sart raising hell. If you fall out of your chair, they'll probably give you the damn thing."

So that's what's great about Phil. He's always helping out and giving good advice, plus he's damn hilarious. So I asked about how to get around in a wheelchair and he told me to take a cab. I drove to my house, got the TV, and then called a cab. It cost me almost twenty bucks, but it was a pretty good deal cause the driver loaded the TV for me. I just let my legs sort of hang, and he helped me into the car next to the TV and stuck the chair in the trunk.

When I got to the store, the driver took the TV in for me and I wheeled in behind him. I don't really know why, but I was feeling really bad starting about then. I was so hungover to begin with and it was hot as hell outside. Then this old lady next to me at the return desk had this bad stink like powder or something. I started feeling worse and worse. That driver had no respect for crippled guys, I guess, cause he'd sat that TV right behind me so I was kind of boxed in between the desk and the TV.

Pretty soon I started getting kind of sweaty when this other sales guy comes up to the desk next to the guy helping the old lady. He sort of leaned over at me and asked how he could help me. I wanted to answer, but I was so sick I couldn't think. Plus I thought if I lost my concentration, I'd puke. So I was trying to get that damn chair out of there and the old lady's just standing there totally oblivious. I tried to push the box back, but it wouldn't move and suddenly it was all over. I couldn't help it. I tried to jump up and move away so no one would see me puke, but my foot caught one of the footrests. I tripped and puked all over.

Then I thought about what Phil had said. I just laid there. People were yelling for help, that old lady looked like she might want to lay down on the floor too, and someone was damn near screaming, "Call 911!" I felt a little better, but I was weak. I was like, "I just want to return this TV for the cash I paid." The manager is there in no time, and he's like, "Are you okay?" I just kept saying, "I want to return this TV for the cash I paid." An ambulance showed up, but I told them I didn't want to go. Those ambulance drivers helped me into the wheelchair and cleaned me up. Then the manager asked me to sign some papers about how they tried to help me get an ambulance and stuff. I told him I wasn't signing anything until someone gave me my refund. So they were pretty quick and I got the cash and crammed it in my pocket. I signed their papers and asked them to call me a cab. When the cab showed up, I told the driver they were paying for it and, I'll be damn, they did.

When I told Phil, he laughed his ass off. So did I cause by then I felt a little better and had had some hair of the dog. I decided to go back home after watching a flick. My old lady was pretty pleased about the TV business when she got home from work , but I didn't tell her how I did it.